You've Got To Be Kidding Me!
by Darkwood Princess
Summary: Or Five Times the Order of the Phoenix gave the Marauders the worst missions during the First Wizarding War and one time they were given the best one. A story told in many parts, listened to by the inhabitants of Grimmauld Place.


**AN: So this has been running around my head for weeks now. Uhrm, I am very much American so forgive me for not doing justice to the British way of speaking. Oh and don't kill me over the Nutella and Goldfish. **

Harry Potter was used to strange sights. Sphinxes, Dementors, Dudley in his pajamas…

What he was not used to yet was the sight that greeted him when he and Ron walked into the kitchen of Grimmauld Place one rainy summer morning before their 5th year at Hogwarts. Fast asleep at the old oak table were one Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. That of course would only have been mildly unusual, as Sirius was the owner of Order headquarters and Remus often visited his friend. No, the unusual thing wasn't the two of them being there.

It was the six empty jars of Nutella Chocolate spread and the four boxes of what looked like goldfish crackers scattered around the table. Sirius' head was buried in a big bowl of the crackers, his snores echoing in the confined space, while, when Harry looked closer, it seemed that Lupin was clutching a seventh jar of the chocolate-hazelnut spread. Both men were completely out of it, sprawled across opposite sides of the table as if they had stayed up too late talking and just fallen asleep where they were.

"Blimey, Harry, is that a spoon stuck to Professor Lupin's face?" Ron's hushed whisper brought Harry out of his thoughts, and noting that there was indeed a chocolaty spoon stuck to their former professor's face, the two teens walked carefully around to the fridge to pull out some breakfast.

Harry had just pulled out some milk and was waiting for Ron to pass him some cereal, when they heard a loud crash from the entrance hallway, followed by a feminine voice cursing angrily at the troll's leg umbrella stand. Mrs. Black's portrait roared to life and the slumbering ex-convict and werewolf woke instantly.

"Whazzat?" Harry found it hard to stifle a chuckle at the fish shaped crackers stuck to Sirius' face and watched with mild shock as Lupin fell out of his chair, at the noise from the hallway.

"Come on, Padfoot, some idiot's woken your mum." Sirius rubbed his face, dislodging crackers and grimaced as wailed apologies reached their ears. The two men turned to look at each other, muttered "Tonks" and went to go set Mrs. Black right.

"It's scary how in tune they are, like Fred and George," Ron muttered, pouring milk in his bowl and grimacing with Harry at the grating voice of Walburga Black.

"HALF-BREEDS, STAIN UPON MY FATHER'S HOME! SHAPE SHIFTERS! OH THE-"

"GOOD MORNING MUM AND GOODNIGHT!" Sirius' bellow had Ron snorting on his cereal and Harry rolling his eyes. Mornings at Grimmauld were nothing if not interesting.

When a contrite and soaked Tonks plopped down next to them at the table, Harry noticed that she had yet to hide the tired bags under her eyes. Swallowing a yawn, she reached for a mug that had been sitting out on the table. Her eyes widened when she noticed the excess junk food.

"What happened here? And why do you have a spoon on your cheek Remus?" Sirius just chuckled while Lupin pulled the plastic silverware from his face. Sirius mumbled something about yesterday being Marauder's Monday and that meaning the remaining members spent some time together.

(No one mentioned Peter. That would invite frosty silence and brooding, something everyone had tried to keep Sirius from of late.)

Lupin rolled his eyes and countered with, "We were just reminiscing and it got late."

"Oh, well, while you guys were warm and safe, I was out in the rain with Mad Eye, watching a muggle convenience store. I swear I get the worst jobs!" Tonks picked moodily at her mug, while Remus and Sirius exchanged an entire conversation without words. (Sirius ignored her comment about being warm and safe, for the time being. It wasn't like he asked to be trapped in his old home!)

"Right, look cousin, your mission with Mad Eye was nothing compared to what we did during the first war." Sirius patted her on the head and sat down again, pulling the half eaten bowl of cheese cracker's closer.

"What do you mean?" Tonks asked the inevitable question. "How can it be any worse that dealing with a paranoid ex-Auror who thinks that the automatic doors are possessed and the self-checkouts are going to steal muggle souls when we're not looking!?"

Lupin just recaptured his Nutella and took a seat opposite Sirius. Harry and Ron knew by the looks on both men's faces that they were in for something interesting.

"Oi Moony, how about that time Dumbledore sent us to track death eaters through that weird chain of department stores and the lingerie lady thought we were actually shopping in her shop?" Lupin snorted at the memory and reminded Sirius of another mission.

"Or the time that we had to pose as Chef's and James accidently set the kitchen on fire?" Sirius snickered at that and decided, maybe, just maybe, the new guard could benefit from a bit of old guard humor and wisdom.

"Tonks, do you have anywhere to go? This could take a while, and once we get started…" Sirius gestured grandly, " we don't stop till we've discussed everything."

They didn't have to wait long for Tonk's response.

" Wouldn't miss this for the world!"

"Good," Lupin smiled warmly at her, "Because you're about to hear about some of the most infamous missions in Order history."

**AN: Hope this isn't too ooc. Reviews are love guys! Oh, and I'm looking for this awesome story someone wrote about Lupin. It was about ten kindnesses people had done for him. A couple were Dumbledore giving him a cane, Lily making sure he was okay after the Werewolf Registration Act, and Tonks sharing a soda with him. The same author had written a story about a portrait in the Gryffindor Common Rooms that was alive? If you know it, please PM me!**


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